


Fait Accompli

by Aesoleucian



Series: Black Noodle Incidents [2]
Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Other, Post-Series, cassander is no longer on vacation and they're much happier, even though they're no longer a village witch. it wasn't really their thing., still everybody lives AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 09:09:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11666043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aesoleucian/pseuds/Aesoleucian
Summary: Look, it turns out you can’t romance AuDy if you never get into trouble. They don’t know how to interact with someone who isn’t in trouble. Now that Cassander works for Aria it will be FINE. They can get into Fixes and AuDy can dashingly rescue them, embarrassingly aware of their own role in this trope.





	Fait Accompli

**Author's Note:**

> Gogol said: This is the Cass fic I dreamed of but was incapable of writing myself, can't wait for the sequel where they find the marriage certificate Audy forged.

As it turned out, Cassander working for Aria was not entirely dissimilar from AuDy working for Aria, although Cassander refused to go off-planet more than once a year and AuDy was an interplanetary smuggler. Their jobs still brought them together whenever Cassander needed muscle, which they sort of suspected was some kind of machination, but whatever. AuDy was a good mission partner, because they’d stopped trying to lie to Cassander a while ago.

Today was more diplomacy: Cassander, obviously, was the diplomat and AuDy their… Well, Jacqui had called them Cassander’s _handler_ and Aria insisted on _AuDyguard_ , both of which were awful, so AuDy was just there for assurance.

Cassander did _not_ need a handler, thank you very much. Cassander was a great tactician and had only gotten better at executing their great plans in such a way that no-one got shot. Look: Cassander was not getting shot _right now_ , despite the volume of bullets happening to the near vicinity at high speed.

“Are you nearly done,” said AuDy, toneless as always but probably annoyed.

Cassander held up one finger. “Yes, Mx Gurney, we’ve been slightly delayed but we should be there by ten thirty. Those? You don’t need to worry about it. Yes, like I said, we’re almost there. Yes. I’ll see you then, good-bye.” Ending the call they looked around at AuDy and said, “Can you think of a way to get to the stairs?”

AuDy vibrated for a moment while bullets struck their shield, possibly drawing out the pause as long as possible to convey contempt when they said, “You’re the tactician.”

“Just checking,” said Cassander. “Right. So what we’re going to do is this.” It was hard to concentrate with all the bullets going on, but probably the Petrichor people needed distracting. “You _did_ get smoke grenades installed in your arm, right?”

In reply, AuDy shot a smoke grenade over the shield, causing the bullets to cease for a while, replaced by coughing.

“I love it when a plan comes tog—” said Cassander, before being yanked to their feet by AuDy’s hand on their arm. “Yeah, all right, that’s a good plan too.” They ran for the stairwell, and only got shot a little bit on the way. It was fine, whatever, all that mattered was getting to a place where they could wait for the elevator without getting _more_ shot—

AuDy stood in front of them as they tensely tapped their feet, their fingers, their teeth, listening to footsteps coming up the stairwell after them.

 _Ding_.

“Ah, great, let’s go.”

The inside of the elevator got a _tiny bit_ shot, maybe more than Cassander had, but the building owners were rich enough to fix it and not even notice. Just as long as they didn’t blame the Vanguard for it, which would be stupid seeing as it was Petrichor doing the shooting.

Cassander sighed and slumped against the wall of the elevator, trying hard to ignore the throbbing in their shoulder long enough to compose themself.

“You should wrap that up,” said AuDy.

“Why?” asked Cassander, eyes still closed. “It’s not going to get infected before we get back to headquarters.”

“It looks unprofessional. And you might get blood on their carpets.”

Cassander opened their eyes and glanced down at the wound, which was oozing violet into the sleeve of their blouse. “It’s not really going to look more professional if I bandage it, but I’ll concede bleeding on the carpets. You’ve got the bandages.” It wouldn’t look professional to have anything in their pockets, apparently, but a surprisingly large percentage of AuDy (by volume) was secret compartments. Aria seemed happy to subsidize their refits as long as they kept freelancing for her.

As AuDy handed them the tube of topical anesthetic, Cassander said, “The shield doesn’t look very professional either. More like the wrong profession.”

“Keeping you from getting shot is my profession,” said AuDy. Weirdly specific, but… true, though it should have been _smuggling_. There wasn’t really anyone else AuDy played bodyguard for on a regular basis. Aria already had one, after all. Was it weird to be married to your bodyguard? “I can leave the shield outside the door.”

The image of the shield leaning on the wall outside Turnpike Gurney’s office turned out to be just as funny in real life as it had been in Cassander’s head. They pasted a serious look on their face over the smile, which was in turn covering up a grimace from the dull ache in their shoulder, and walked in.

 

“So you managed to get yourself shot again,” said Aria when Cassander slumped down in the visitor’s chair in her office.

“I didn’t _get myself shot_ , someone shot me. I don’t think you’re assigning the blame correctly here.”

“You’d _think_ ,” said Aria over them, “that a doctor would have the good sense not to get shot, hmm, Artemis?”

“Calling me that is weirdly formal for a number of reasons,” Cassander muttered. “And not getting shot is not something you can do by being sensible.”

“Oh, sorry, Art,” said Aria, maddeningly cheerful. “I just thought that while we’re in my office where technically there are security cameras and possibly bugs I should be more formal. Anyway, come to dinner tonight. Bring AuDy.”

Cassander sighed. “You’ve become disingenuous in your old age. Whatever, I’d love to come to dinner. I think AuDy already left for Gemm, though.”

Aria shook her head sadly. “They never stick around for the aftercare.”

As it turned out Aria wasn’t all that broken up about AuDy having left already, because it meant she could make as much baseless innuendo as she wanted without fear of reprisal. Cassander’s style was usually along the lines of sinking into their seat, flushed and glaring at her, whereas AuDy might have been silent in a much more intimidating way.

“You know,” said Aria (wine content: 2 glasses), “AuDy was the one who asked to be your bodyguard. That wasn’t just a matchmaking scheme of mine.”

“ _Just_ ,” said Jacqui.

“Okay, whatever,” said Aria. “All I’m saying is—”

“They just like to keep an eye on me,” Cassander corrected her.

“No, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. They’re super protective! They _like_ you.”

“AuDy doesn’t even like anyone _platonically_ ,” said Cassander. “And what would that mean? Being romantically involved with a robot who sort-of-but-not-really moonlights as a distributed consciousness in the Mesh that calls cabs for people?”

“They only call cabs for former members of the Chime,” says Aria triumphantly. “If that’s not evidence of platonically liking us then I don’t know what is.”

Cassander rolled their eyes. “That’s Discovery. And you didn’t answer my question.”

All three of them sat silently for a bit, trying to think what it _would_ look like to be romantically involved with a robot who did their best not to show emotions and was probably lying at any given moment.

“Are you _sure_ ,” said Jacqui after a few minutes of silent contemplation, “that you’re not already romantically involved?”

 

(Cut to: Cassander rummaging through one of AuDy’s many secret compartments looking for the tube of black goo that can be used to repair AuDy’s mangled forearms. And finding a fake marriage certificate made in the names of Artemis Themisto Megalyte and Automated Discovery Dynamics. “What… is this?”

“It’s for emergencies,” says AuDy.

“What kind of emergency would you possibly need this for?”

AuDy, perhaps predictably, goes into standby mode.)

 

“I would know if we were romantically involved,” said Cassander. “One of the cornerstones of romantic involvement is that all parties know about it.” They pause, considering. “They just have some really weird ideas about what keeping an eye on their crew means.”

Aria raises her eyebrows. “Oh yeah? What’s the weirdest idea they’ve pulled on you?”

 

(Cut to: Cassander’s face, looking exasperated or possibly a little bit murderous. Camera zooms out and rotates to show them lying at the bottom of the ocean with one wrist cuffed to a large coral. “AuDy,” they say into their comm channel, “I’m going to be late for my meeting. Are you almost _done_?”

“I’m going to be a few more minutes,” says AuDy’s voice in their ear. “Please work on your presentation. It was frankly awful when you practiced it last night.” Before the transmission cuts, the mic picks up the sounds of stressed metal screeching.

“I’m starting to think you intend to make me give my presentation remotely from the harbor.”

“I’m starting to think the harbor is the safest place for you.”)

 

“Not _really_ weird,” Cassander corrected themself. “Just, like, sometimes they’d put me in weird places ‘for safekeeping.’ It’s a little humiliating, actually.”

“Are you saying you already have a history of bondage?” asked Aria, clearly delighted. Jacqui nearly choked on her wine laughing, and Aria pounded her back.

Cassander sunk even further into their chair, and tried to glare _harder_. “They’re just an overzealous bodyguard.”

 

(Cut to: the very same glare, but now with AuDy’s hand over Cassander’s mouth. The two of them are pressed together in a closet lit only by the strip of light coming from under the door. “Calm _down_ ,” says AuDy, almost inaudibly. “You’ll pass out if you don’t start breathing properly.”

“You’re in the way of my lungs,” Cassander hisses around AuDy’s fingers.

“I’ll just back up through the wall then, shall I?”

“That’d be nice, yeah!”

Their argument is forestalled when someone flings open the door and AuDy spins around, arm unfolding around the barrel of a shotgun. Behind them, Cassander wheezes as they get crushed even further against the wall.)

 

Cassander lay their forehead down on their arms. “I hate robots,” they said, muffled. “I don’t know what use they’d even have for romance.”

“Same as the rest of us, right?” said Jacqui.

“Which is what?”

Jacqui and Aria looked at each other, and smiled.

“AuDy can barely _talk_ to me if no-one is trying to shoot me.”

 

(Cut to: AuDy and Cassander in an elevator. Cassander glances nervously at AuDy three times in the space of ten seconds.

Cut to: flashback of AuDy shutting themself off in the beach house to avoid admitting they came here to see Cassander.

Put a rapid series of cuts here of Cassander glancing at AuDy and in every shot AuDy is facing away, not moving or speaking. Use a wide variety of shot compositions and lighting to show that this _just keeps fucking happening_.)

 

(One last cut of the present dinner: Aria and Jacqui shaking their heads at each other from across the table as Cassander lies motionless on their arms.)

 

“AuDy, are we married?” demanded Cassander.

“Have you legally changed your name, or is it an alias?”

Thrown, Cassander blinked at them, and then cast around in their memory for the answer. “I couldn’t legally change it because I was supposed to be dead, but I have valid ID under my new name.”

“That sounds like a yes, then,” said AuDy.

“Was that marriage certificate _real_?” Cassander asked. Before AuDy could answer they said, “No, wait, who forged my signature on it? I know your handwriting isn’t good enough.”

AuDy tilted their torso in such a way that Cassander understood they were giving them a Look. “Who do you _think_?”

**Author's Note:**

> Cassander's new fake names are stolen from Sokrates (third name), Euanthe (third name), and Maxine (loose Greek translation of first name) respectively. I only later realized that this means Aria can call them Art for short, which is such a bonus.


End file.
